finished playing the most amazing two shows in London, after meeting one of my favourite actors on the street (Tom Hiddleston call me jk), feeling like a million bucks, but had a moment tonight that took away all of my thunder, and I have been feeling the need to talk about it despite it being a very unpleasant experience. this is going to be a tad long, so maybe just like go to the bathroom or something before, because I just really this quick moment, and I need you to listen.
for a start, I just want to note that in my entire time as a musician/performer, my personal image has always been so imperative to maintain. as a female artist, I have taken extra precautions in the way I present myself as to make sure that my music is the main takeaway of any gig. my personal appearance has taken a much more androgynous turn over the past few years, and in some ways it has been just something that I feel most comfortable in, but it is also because I feel absolutely disgusting when my image is the focal or the overall takeaway of the evening’s entirety. I have been objectified, despite my greatest and most informed efforts, and with that, this little chip on my shoulder has become a part of me and the way I express myself through music; it has allowed me to go further in to my own self expression and come to terms with the lens this industry singularly sees through.
anyways, tonight, I’m playing a gig, I feel great, I’m enjoying myself, I wear what I wear and I play what I play and I do my own god damn thing for my own god damn self, and after the show, I have a situation occur where your heart stops and your brain hurts and you try to make sense of what is happening and yet there is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for it. It: being the moment when someone makes an advance on you when you are unguarded and unassuming, when you think someone is coming to give you a hug after the show to give their thanks, and you reciprocate because you are a genuine person and appreciate the attentiveness from the audience, and that person who once held such a special moment in your heart decides to do something to you that you would never allow even someone you were romantically attached to do, because it is not asked and it is selfish and it is disgusting. and you have to go to your seat to watch the rest of the bands play as if nothing has happened because you feel like if you make a scene you may be associated with that sick act and from there people may conclude that you are a dramatic and then this memory becomes associated with your character and from then on those who surrounded you with eager ears will forever remember you as the girl who was fondled after a gig she played, as opposed to an artist who is just trying to find a god damn equal place in this world.
for me, this is important to talk about. this is important to note. it needs to be expressed because my whole entire life I have had a serious anxiety complex about my gender in music and how I have tried to find a way to separate myself from this sort of mould that female artists have always been labelled under: “FEMALE ARTIST”, as opposed to just “artist”. this is what i have tried to change through my music, through slowly and humbly taking in each experience as a moment of learning and doing what I can to pave a safer, fairer path for those females following this insanely male-dominated industry. I refuse to be subjected. I refuse to be looked at as an object.
tonight, I chose to stay quiet for reasons that have far more to do with my own insecurities than they do over anything else, but I am happy I have this platform to speak my voice on, in a world where I am far too afraid of speaking out in because of how I feel I will be perceived.
this is long, and I know it is, but I also think if you don’t listen then you will never learn, and tonight proved that despite all of our efforts to lessen the gap between man and woman, there is still a lot of work we need to do.